"Da Plane, Da Plane!"
Welcome to Fantasy Island!
(a.k.a., a prediction by a Brownies fan)
It... is... ALIVE! That's right, folks, the Brownies are back and their fans are as whacked as ever. Let me say I respect this guy as far as Cleveland fans go... he's part of an excellent Browns website. But as far as reality goes, even Mr. Rork (that's the guy from Fantasy Island for you young'uns) couldn't make this guy's predictions a reality. I dunno, maybe Tatoo could help out their front seven, who he claims are "already being considered one of the best (if not THE best) in the division". In any case, here's his message, followed by my response (which in hindsight was probably way too polite).

Submitted by Qyetzie
Website Browns:TNG
A virtual community for Browns fans

Ahhh... Steeler fan... scratching for things to say as the Browns make their return. Can't you folks come up with something a BIT more original than "uh... they suck."? Come on now Squeeler fan, seems you've gotten a bit soft as we've battled our way back into the league. Prepare yourselves now, this is going to hurt.

First, the big game, September 12th. Good chance it will be shown at a home near you for those in P-burgh without televisions so make sure to catch it. I say that because of all the 'pregame guesses' that I've read here NONE seem to take into effect the "Cowher slow starter" enigma that's been going on in the "Squeel City" for the past few years. Anyone out there wish to dive in and get some stats on how quickly your team has leapt to a 4-0 start? 3-1 start? Fact is, during Cowher's regime the Steelers have started rather slowly. This includes (especially) years in which the team 'begins anew' with a different offensive coordinator- not unlike 99'. What was that... 7 wins last year? NICE offense there guys!

Which brings me to something entirely relevant. It WAS NOT your offensive coordinator's fault for the meager offensive production last year. Here's a hint: IT WAS YOUR QUARTERBACK. In the height of the 'Oh crap- well, just blame Sherman' saga it seems as if most Pittsburgh loyalists jumped on the goat train to completely deny the fact that their QB is suffering from a terrible lack of confidence. Defenses were ready for Kordell last year- and will be this year as well. I'd be shocked if he doesn't have something broken by a LB by midseason. Flush him out- pound him down. You watch.

Incidentally, NICE jab at the Browns 'Brownie' mascot that hasn't been around for nearly 35 years. Seems to me, those in glass houses with a sexuality challenged QB should not be throwing stones at an outdated mascot. Then again the fact that you Pittsburgh folk have even REMEMBERED something past 1974 has me astonished in the first place. I'm proud of ya.

The Browns (like it or not) DO have some talent on the field. Granted- that talent has yet to play an entire game together, but by midseason they'll be coming along just fine. Most folks here think five wins is entirely possible in the 'expansion friendly' AFC Central. Remember, the Squeelas last year were a decent long-snapper and a few odd breaks away from five wins. While B-more may be nice enough to give you games, we're back to take them back away.

Oh! Nice run about the Bungles! Every prediction I hear out of P-burghers about the Browns taking two from the 'ever so lowly' Bengals busts me up. Tell me, if the Bungles are so terrible, how DID they get two of their wins last year? Without the STEELERS that team wins only ONE game! AHAHAHAA! Nice one! Squeeler fans are the ONLY folks dumb enough to criticize a team that SWEPT THEIR YELLOW AND BLACK ARSES last year! That is SO rich. Once again, the P-Burgh memory crisis strikes again as the truth makes itself mysteriously evasive for those living near three sewers.

As far as the first game goes I think the Browns will employ the "single" wide-out coverage'. Meaning simply that the Browns will only cover one of your receivers since the likelihood of Kordell FINDING the other is about 10% per play. The other 90% of the time you'll be able to watch your QB run around hopelessly looking for free green to run more too only to find an orange helmet planted deeply into his chest cavity. You'll also find running the ball will be fairly difficult since the Browns front seven is already being considered one of the best (if not THE best) in the division. Your O-line is nothing compared to what it used to be- but at least NOW you won't be able to blame Sherman anymore. So, don't go wondering why what used to be 5-6 yard carries are now 1-2 yarders.

For the future- you'll LOVE Tim Couch. Knowing that you'll have to face him 20 or so times over the next decade or so just relish the fact that this game may be the ONLY game in which TC doesn't get time to carve up your excuse for a defensive secondary.

Final score: Browns 21 / Squeelas 13. Close, but not close enough P-Burgh. Welcome back to the reality of the AFC Central. We missed you too.

Qyetzie
Browns:TNG
http://BrownsTNG.com
A virtual community for Browns fans

Our Very Polite (Seriously) Response
"Q",

Let me say that I thoroughly enjoyed your e-mail, and your site is top notch. I'll definitely be adding a link, dude, in spite of your obvious state of dementia. Even though the return of your Browns means we won't get to see our Steelers on the tube much, I'm truly glad they're back. I've missed this rivalry like only you can understand. Pleasantries aside, on to business...

Item #1: "Classy" Bradshaw piece on your site, dude (I'm guessing you penned that masterpiece in the midst of watching a horde of firefighters trying to extinguish Lake Erie). Seriously, I have to admit it did elicit a chuckle. As you'll see, I'm a wee bit of a Bradshaw fanatic... check this out:
http://members.tripod.com/~mcmillenandwife/bradshaw.html
[Ed. Note: The Browns-TNG website features a parody of Bradshaw singing a country song & then getting slammed on his head by "Turkey Joe" Jones]

Speaking of Bradshaw, it's interesting to note that the ONLY game your Brownies managed to win against Bradshaw between '74 and '81 was that very same game in which your beloved Turkey Joe Jones narrowly avoided complete obscurity with that WAAAY cheap shot on Terry (you DID eek out a 27-26 win in '80, but Bradshaw, Swann, Stallworth, Lambert, Franco, & Blier were out of that game with injuries, which is also the only reason the Kardiac Klowns somehow won the division that year). Terry went on to win two more Super Bowls, won a league MVP, 2 Super Bowl MVPs, 2 team MVPs, and immortallity in Canton. Turkey Joe, meanwhile? Little more than a long forgotten (except in Cleveland) pain in Terry's neck.

Steelers fans may (as you pointed out) live in the past, but at least our past is built on WINNING and GLORY and CLASS and not a cheap shot by a sub-mediocre player. It's rather fitting that the Browns' legacy consists of Turkey Joe and Art Modell.

Item #2: Now, on to clearing up a handful (too many to deal with ALL) of your laughable ASSertions:

Anyone out there wish to dive in and get some stats on how quickly your team has leapt to a 4-0 start? 3-1 start?

Uh... lemme see... I have to dig clear back to LAST YEAR for a 3-1 Steelers start. Gee, THAT was tough (they also did it in '92). Now I've got one for you... when was the last time your Browns went 0-3 in ONE SEASON against the Steelers? Yes, it was 1994, which included a 17-10 whipping of your Brownies in Cleveland, a 17-7 embarrassment at Three Rivers, and the 29-9 bitch-slapping in the playoffs.

Just don't bring up any games from '89 with the final score of 51-0, please (for the record, we STILL made the playoffs that year after losing the first 2 games by a combined score of 92-10, and only a late Elway comeback in the playoffs kept us from meeting you guys in the 1989 AFC Championship. But then, you know all about Elway comebacks, don't you?).

What was that... 7 wins last year? NICE offense there guys!

Yup... but enter the Browns and a ref who can handle the coin toss (a la Detroit on Thanksgiving) and we've got 10 wins and a playoff berth.

It WAS NOT your offensive coordinator's fault for the meager offensive production last year. Here's a hint: IT WAS YOUR QUARTERBACK. You watch!

Actually, it was both, but Kordell's problems were a direct result of Sherman. Kordell thrived under Gailey (who's now resurrecting the hated Cowboys), and seems to be thriving under Gilbride. Defenses weren't "ready for Kordell"... they were ready for an unimaginative, poorly prepared offensive scheme. Kordell will be much improved.. YOU watch.

Incidentally, NICE jab at the Browns 'Brownie' mascot that hasn't been around for nearly 35 years.

Figures... you guys aren't even imaginative enough for a logo on that big smashed pumpkin of a helmet, let alone a mascot. You know, maybe you could adopt a Brownie of the girl scout variety for the new team? That would be pretty appropriate, dontcha think?

Most folks here think five wins is entirely possible in the 'expansion friendly' AFC Central.

Gee, aim high. I said four wins, you said five... don't go so far out on a limb, you wild man!

Squeeler fans are the ONLY folks dumb enough to criticize a team that SWEPT THEIR YELLOW AND BLACK ARSES last year!

No, I think pretty much EVERYONE has concluded that the Bengals are a pathetic, floundering team... except perhaps you.

As far as the first game goes I think the Browns will employ the 'single wide-out coverage'. Meaning simply that the Browns will only cover one of your receivers since the likelihood of Kordell FINDING the other is about 10% per play.

Well, you're partially right... the Browns will be able to cover a total of one wide receiver. Your secondary is pathetic. And you're perhaps the only team in the league who's awful group of WR's makes our mediocre bunch of receivers look like All-Pros (and don't give me this Kevin Johnson crap... the guy made one nice catch against Dallas' 3rd team DBs).

You'll also find running the ball will be fairly difficult since the Browns front seven is already being considered one of the best (if not THE best) in the division.

Dear God, that's funny. Not the difficulty running part since we're pretty banged up on the line & Bettis is still recovering from knee surgery. But the part about the BEST defensive line kills me. Dude, Bowling Green has a better defensive line than you guys.

Final score: Browns 21 / Squeelas 13. Close, but not close enough P-Burgh. Welcome back to the reality of the AFC Central.

Thank you so much for affirming my observation that you guys are "just a wee bit lacking when it comes to opinions based in reality." Final score, Pittsburgh 23, Cleveland 10.

And on a serious note, thanks for the well thought-out, humorous e-mail. Glad you guys are back, even though I hate you all for being the scurvy dawgs that you are!

Take care!
Tim McMillen
http://members.tripod.com/~mcmillenandwife/




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