Here's an excerpt of Neil O'Donnell's pledge to Cincinatti Bengals fans from his much anticipated first press conference. Preliminary reports assert that O'Donnell said his own name no less than 52 times in the 6 minute monologue, proving that his promise to cut down on speaking in the third person is indeed being kept.
Don't forget to check out our exclusive pic of O'Donnell in his new uniform!
about Neil O'Donnell!
CINCINNATI (AP) -- The Cincinnati Bengals just guaranteed themselves a spot in the playoffs with the signing of quarterback Neil O'Donnell, who was released by the New York Jets two weeks ago. The Bengals backed the Brinks truck up to O'Donnell's doorstep - giving him a reported 5.3 million signing bonus - making him one of the richest immobile stiffs in the NFL today. Bengals GM Mike Brown said, "Neil gives us another option at quarterback that Jeff Blake didn't. While Jeff tends to take off when the pocket collapses and tries to make something happen, Neil is content to sit back there and get swarmed by defenders for sizable losses in yardage. That's something we were sorely missing last year."
O'Donnell celebrated his signing by tripping over a microphone cord on the way up to the podium to accept a Bengals jersey from GM Mike Brown. He sprained his left ankle, and then, as he attempted to right himself, severely sprained his right ankle. He was carted away from the Bengals training facility on a gurney, but is expected to be ready to play as early as October.
Opposing cornerbacks rejoiced at the news of O'Donnell's signing, whose weak arm and poor decision-making has made many a cornerback look like a superstar. Overpaid benchwarmer Larry Brown remarked, "Neil made me what I am today. If it wasn't for Neil, I wouldn't be driving what I'm driving." O'Donnell promises to challenge Jeff Blake for the starting QB job. "If I can stay healthy, stay focused, and keep out of the endzone on slippery days, I think I can help this team" said O'Donnell. "I'm the type of player that will give you 85 percent, day in and day out, as long as I'm getting paid."
While some Bengals fans rejoiced cautiously at O'Donnell's signing, longtime fan Wendell P. Gilbert was unconvinced. "Screw Neil O'Donnell. He sucks." O'Donnell hopes to change attitudes like Gilberts by using his Nancy Kerrigan-like good looks and Andy Rooney wisecrackery. "Everybody likes me. Especially people that take the time to get to know me. I have a lot of fans." Attempts to confirm this by reaching someone at the Neil O'Donnell fan club, based in New Jersey, were unsuccessful.
To whomever penned this masterpiece, thanks a million for one helluva good laugh! - - - Tim