Dangerfield

In honor of the World Champion Denver Broncos, I give you...
RODNEY DANGERFIELD.

Once when I was lost.. I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him,"Do you think we'll ever find them?" He said,"I don't know kid... there are so many places they can hide."

I remember I was so depressed I was going to jump out a window on the tenth floor... so they sent a priest up to talk to me. He said,"On your mark..."

On Halloween, the parents send their kids out looking like me. Last year... one kid tried to rip my face off!

Now it's different... when I answer the door the kids hand me candy.

When my old man wanted sex, my mother would show him a picture of me.

I had a lot of pimples too. One day I fell asleep in a library. I woke up and a blind man was reading my face.

My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next tuesday.

One time I went to a hotel. I asked the bellhop to handle my bag. He felt up my wife!

It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips... yet she won't drink from my glass!

Last week my tie caught on fire. Some guy tried to put it out with an axe!

For two hours, some guy followed me around with a pooper scooper.

I met the surgeon general. He offered me a cigarette!

This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the Fruit of the Loom guys laughing at me.

A travel agent offered me a 21 day special. He told me I would fly from New York to London. Then from Tokyo back to New York. I asked him, "How am I supposed to get from London to Tokyo?" He told me,"That is why we give you 21 days."

Another travel agent told me I could spend 7 nights in Hawaii. No days... just nights.

My problem is that I appeal to everyone that can do me absolutly no good.

They say,"Love thy neighbor as thy self." What am I supposed to do? Jerk him off too?

At christmas time I sat on Santa's lap. His fly was open. Boy... what a present he gave me!

My sex life is terrible. My wife put a mirror over the dogs bed.

Actually she did put the mirror over our bed. She says she likes to watch herself laugh.

I'm a bad lover. Once I caught a peeping Tom booing me.

My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time an egg.

I asked my wife if she would put out the garbage. She said.."Why should I? You never put out for me."

I asked her if she enjoys a cigarette after sex. She said.."No.. one drag is enough."

I got myself good this morning, too. I did my push ups in the nude... but I didn't see the mouse trap.

A girl phoned me and said,"Come on over... there's nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home!

A hooker once told me she had a headache.

I went to massage parlor. It was self service.

My only thrill is self inflicted hickies.

If it weren't for pick-pocketers, I'd have no sex life at all.

I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said,"Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?" She said, "No... I hate myself now."

She was no bargain either. She showed up with pigtails under her arms.

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