The Lyon's Den
Welcome to the Lyon's Den Joke & Humor Page! This page is inspired by Art Lyon, a web correspondent who has faithfully forwarded me good (and I stress GOOD) jokes ever since our McMillen & Wife site came into existance. Thanks for the laughs, Art!

This section is just getting started! If you know of a good joke you think should be on this page, Send it to us!

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Updated 4/2/99

The Big Unit Submitted by Art Lyon THE BIG UNIT A couple took their young son for his first visit to the circus, and by chance their seats were next to the elephant pen. When his father left to buy popcorn, the boy piped up, "Mom, what's that long thing on the elephant?" "That's the elephant's trunk, dear," she replied. "No, not that." "Oh, that's the elephant's tail." "No, Mom. Down underneath." His mother blushed and said, "Oh, that's nothing." Pretty soon the father returned, and the mother went off to get a soda. As soon as she had gone, the boy repeated his question. "That's the elephant's trunk, son." "Dad, I know what an elephant's trunk is. What's the thing at the other end." "Oh, that's the elephant's tail." "No. Down there." The father took a good look and explained, "That's the elephant's penis." "Dad, how come when I asked Mom, she said it was nothing?" The man took a deep breath and replied, "Son, I've spoiled that woman."

25 Things Women Won't Say Submitted by Art Lyon 25 things you will never hear a "lady" say... 1. You know, I've been complaining a lot lately... I don't blame you for ignoring me. 2. I know I'm tired and my parents are in the other room... I still want you right now! 3. This porno scene is boring... fast forward to the gang bang. 4. Don't get up... I kinda like sleeping in the wetspot. 5. Don't dirty up your T-shirt wiping that up... use my blouse. 6. That was fun! When will all of your friends be over to watch porno's again? 7. I bet it would be kinky to watch you with our baby sitter, Tracy. 8. You're my daddy! You're my daddy! 9. The new girl in my office is a stripper... I invited her over for dinner on Friday. 10. Honey, did you leave that skid in the toilet bowl? Good one! 11. While you were in the bathroom, they went for it on fourth down and missed. If they can hold them to a field goal, they'll still cover. 12. Bar food again!? Kick ass. 13. I liked that wedding even more than ours. Your ex-girlfriend has class. 14. That girl is wearing the same outfit as I am. Cool... I'm gonna go over and talk to her. 15. I love hearing stories about your old girlfriends... tell me more. 16. I like using this new lawn mower so much more than the old one! What a wonderful Valentines day present! Thanks, "Schmoopy". 17. Let's just leave the toilet seat "up" at all times, then you don't have to mess with it anymore. 18. I've decided to buy myself a boob job. How big do you want 'em? 19. It's only the third quarter... you should order a couple more pitchers. 20. Honey, come here! Watch me do a tequila shot off of Stephanie's bare ass! 21. My mother is going to take care of the tab, so order another round for you and your friends. 22. I'm so happy with my new hairstyle! I don't think I'll ever change it again. 23. Damn! I love when my pillow smells like your cigars and scotch. You passed out before brushing your teeth again, ya' big silly! 24. You are so much smarter than my father. 25. If we're not going to have sex, then you have to let me watch Sportscenter.

Yes, She's Single Submitted by Art Lyon YES, SHE'S SINGLE A woman walks into a supermarket and buys : * 1 bar of soap * 1 toothbrush * 1 tube of toothpaste * 1 loaf of bread * 1 pint of milk * 1 single serving cereal * 1 single serving frozen dinner The guy at the checkout looks at her and says, "Single are you?" The woman replies very sarcastically, "How did you guess, Einstein?" He replies, "Because you're fucking ugly.

Einstein Submitted by Art Lyon EINSTEIN Albert Einstein arrives at a party and introduces himself to the first person he sees and asks, "What is your IQ?" to which the man answers "241." "That is wonderful!," says Albert. "We will talk about the Grand Unification Theory and the mysteries of the Universe. We will have much to discuss!" Next Albert introduces himself to a woman and asks, "What is your IQ?" To which the lady answers, "144." "That is great!," responds Albert. "We can discuss politics and current affairs. We will have much to discuss!" Albert goes to another person and asks, "What is your IQ?" to which the man answers, "51." Albert responds, "How 'bout them Cowboys?"

The Journey Submitted by Art Lyon THE JOURNEY Two sperm are swimming and swimming and swimming for what seems like forever. They're starting to get tired and one sperm says to the other, "Do you think we should pull over and ask for directions?" "Naaaahhhhh, we can find it," replies the other sperm. Sooooo, they keep swimming. Finally, they see another sperm, who's nearly dead, and decide to stop and ask directions. They ask, "Do you think you can help us get to where we are going?" and the nearly dead sperm says, "Sure, where ya headed?" The two sperm reply, "Well, we're trying to find the fallopian tubes so that we can fertilize the egg." The nearly dead sperm just starts laughing hysterically. The other two sperm look at one another, somewhat confused, and ask, "What's so funny?" The nearly dead sperm finally regains his composure and replies, "Wellllll, boy's, y'all have a loooonnnnnngggggg way to go... you're still in the esophagus."

The Horney Rooster Submitted by Art Lyon OH HENRY A farmer wanted to have his hens serviced, so he went to the market looking for a rooster. He was hoping he could get a special rooster... one that would service all of his many hens. When he told this to the market vendor, the vendor replied, "I have just the rooster for you. Henry here is the horniest rooster you will ever see!" So the farmer took Henry back to the farm. Before setting him loose in the hen house, though, he gave Henry a little pep talk: "Henry," he said, "I'm counting on you to do your stuff." And without a word, Henry strutted into the hen house. Henry was as fast as he was furious, mounting each hen like a thunderbolt. There was much squawking and many feathers flying, till Henry had finished having his way with each hen. But, Henry didn't stop there. Henry went into the barn and mounted all of the ducks, one by one, and still at the same frantic pace. Then he went to the pigeon house, where he did the same. The farmer, watching all of this with disbelief cried out, "Stop, Henry! You'll kill yourself!" But Henry continued, seeking out each farm fowl in the same manner. Well, the next morning, the farmer looked out and saw Henry lying there on his lawn. His legs were up in the air, his eyes rolled back, and his long tongue hanging out. A buzzard was already circling above Henry. The farmer walked up to Henry saying, "Poor Henry... just look 'atcha. You've done gone and killed yourself. I warned you, little buddy." "Shhhhhhh,'' Henry whispered, "The buzzard's getting closer."

Deep Thoughts Submitted by Dave Clifford of D.C.U.P.S.S. DEEP THOUGHTS Before criticizing people, walk a mile in their shoes. Then when you do criticize them, you will be a mile away - and you'll have their shoes. If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let 'em go, because, man, they're gone. If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason. To me, it's a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around. That way, if anybody says, "Hey, can you give me a hand?" then you can say, "Sorry, got these sacks." The face of a child can say it all. Especially the mouth part of the face. I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our children's children, because I don't think children should be having sex. If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is, "God is crying." If he asks why God is crying, another cute thing is to tell him, "Probably because of something you did." If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid seeing yourself in the mirror, because I bet that's what REALLY throws you into a panic. Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, "What if I was an ant and she fell on me?" Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny. To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography and the dancers hit each other. I hope that if dogs ever take over the world and they choose a king, they don't just go by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some good ideas. Maybe in order to understand mankind we have to look at that word itself. MANKIND. Basically, it's made up of two separate words, "mank" and "ind." What do these words mean? It's a mystery...and so is mankind. If you go flying back through time and you see somebody else flying forward into the future, it's probably best to avoid eye contact. It's easy to sit there and say you'd like to have more money. And I guess that's what I like about it. It's easy just sitting there, rocking back and forth, wanting that money. If you ever reach total enlightenment while you're drinking a beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose. As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red again, I sat there thinking about life. Was it nothing more than a bunch of honking and yelling? Sometimes it seemed that way. I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it. I hope some animal never bores a hole in my head and lays its eggs in my brain, because later I might think I'm having a good idea but it's just eggs hatching. Whenever you read a good book, it's like the author is right there, in the room talking to you, which is why I don't like to read good books. Instead of a trap door, what about a trap window? The guy looks out it, and if he leans too far, he falls out. Wait. I guess that's like a regular window. During the Middle Ages, probably one of the biggest mistakes was not putting on your armor because you were "just going around the corner." When I found the skull in the woods, the first thing I did was call the police. But then I got curious about it. I picked it up, and started wondering who this person was, and why he had deer horns. Sometimes I think you have to march right in and demand your rights, even if you don't know what your rights are, or who the person is you're talking to. Then on the way out, slam the door.

32 Undeniable Movie Truths Submitted by Dave Clifford of D.C.U.P.S.S. 1. During all police investigations, it will be necessary to visit a stripclub at least once. 2. When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other. 3. If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St.Patrick's Day parade - at any time of year. 4. All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets which reach up to the armpit level on a woman but only to the waist level on the man lying beside her. 5. All grocery bags contain at least one baguette. 6. It's easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is someone to talk you down. 7. The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place no one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building undetected. 8. The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris. 9. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they are going to go off. 10. You are very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home. 11. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language - a German accent will do. 12. If your town is threatened by an imminent natural disaster or killerbeast, the mayor's first concern will be the tourist trade or his forthcoming art exhibition. 13. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds. 14. When paying for a taxi, don't look at your wallet as you take out a bill - just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare. 15. Kitchens don't have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night, you should open the fridge door and use that light instead. 16. If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear. 17. Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family every morning even though their husband and children never have time to eat it. 18. Cars that crash will almost always burst into flames. 19. All telephone numbers in America begin with the digits 555. 20. A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of Three Rivers Stadium. 21. Medieval peasants had perfect teeth. 22. Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant. 23. It is not necessary to say hello or good-bye when beginning or ending phone conversations. 24. Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments. 25. It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting. 26. A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty. 27. It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will patiently attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors. 28. When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, they will never suffer a concussion or brain damage. 29. Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba diving. 30. You can always find a chainsaw when you need one. 31. Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds unless it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside. 32. Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at the precise moment that it is aired.

How to Impress a Woman Submitted by Art Lyon HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN: Compliment her, cuddle her, kiss her, caress her, love her, stroke her, tease her, comfort her, protect her, hug her, hold her, spend money on her, wine & dine her, buy things for her, listen to her, care for her, stand by her, support her, go to the ends of the earth for her. HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN: Show up naked. Bring Beer.

The Full-Length Mirror Submitted by Art Lyon THE FULL-LENGTH MIRROR A husband, tired of his wife asking him how she looks, buys her a full length mirror. This does little to help, as now she just stands in front of the mirror, looking at herself, asking him how she looks. One day, fresh out of the shower, she is yet again in front of the mirror, now complaining that her breasts are too small. Uncharacteristically, the husband comes up with a suggestion. "If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper, and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds." Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper, and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts. "How long will this take? "she asks. "They'll grow larger over a period of years," he replies. The wife stops. "Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts grow over the years?" she asks. The husband shrugs. "Why not? It worked for your ass."

How to Pick a Bride Submitted by Art Lyon HOW TO PICK A BRIDE... A young man had seriously dated three girls and was finally faced with the dilemma of which to marry. As a test he gave each of them one thousand dollars. The first girl went for a complete hair and face makeover, new clothes, and new shoes. She returned to show off her new look saying, "I want to be at my most beautiful for you. Why? Because I love you, dear." The second girl returned with new hockey and golf equipment, a new stereo, VCR, and a month's supply of beer saying, "I bought all these things for you. They're my gifts to you, because I love you so." The third girl invested the $1,000 wisely and very quickly doubled her original amount. She reinvested the profits which continued to multiply and returned the first thousand to the young man saying, "I have taken your money & made it grow as an investment in our future together. That's how much I love you, my dear." The young man was very impressed by all their responses. He then gave long and careful consideration and finally married the one with the biggest tits.

The Parrot with No Feet Submitted by Art Lyon THE PARROT WITH NO FEET A guy decided that he'd like to have a pet and went browsing at a pet shop. After looking around a bit, he spotted a parrot sitting on a little perch. It didn't have any feet or legs. The guy remarked out loud, "Geez, I wonder what happened to this poor parrot?" The parrot answered the guy, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot." The guy laughed. "It sounded like you actually understood what I said and answered me," he said. "I understood every word," replied the parrot. "I am a highly intelligent, thoroughly educated bird." "Oh yeah? Then answer this," said the guy. "How do you hang onto your perch without any feet?" "Well," the parrot answered, "this is a little embarrassing, but since you asked, I'll tell you. I wrap my little parrot penis around this wooden bar, like a hook. You can't see it because of the feathers." "Wow," said the guy. "You really can communicate, can't you?" "Of course. I speak both Spanish and English. I can converse with reasonable competence on most any subject... politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy... and I'm especially good at omithology. You ought to buy me, sport. I'm a great companion." The guy looked at the price tag. "$200?! I can't afford that." "Pssst," the parrot hissed, motioning the guy over with one wing. "Nobody wants me cause I don't have any feet. You can get me for $20... just make an offer." The guy offered the store owner $20 and walked out with the parrot. Weeks went by. The parrot was sensational. He was funny, interesting and a great to be around. He understood everything, sympathized, and gave good advice. His new owner was delighted. One day, the guy came home from work and the parrot said, "Psssst!" and motioned him over with one wing. The guy moved close to the cage. "I don't know if I should tell you this or not," whispered the parrot, "but it's about your wife and the mailman." "What about them?" remarked the guy. "Well," the parrot said, "when the mailman came to the door today, your wife greeted him in a sheer nightgown and kissed him on the mouth." "What happened then?" asked the guy. "Then the mailman came into the house and lifted up her nightgown and began petting her all over," reported the parrot. "My God!!!" the guy exclaimed, horrified. "Then what"? "Then they embraced and slowly collapsed to the carpeted floor where he began to lick her body, starting with her breasts and slowly working his way down and down..." The parrot paused for a long time... "Well, go on... what happened?" asked the frantic guy. "I don't know," answered the parrot. "My dick got hard and I fell off my perch."

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